Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Wondering

My friend, Cheryl's daddy died today. Her daddy. Their family learned about 4 or 5 weeks ago that he cancer. He went down very quickly. I think she was relieved he was finally going to get to go to heaven and not have to suffer. She's grieving, naturally, but is taking great hope in the fact that he's meeting Jesus and seeing his parents and his brother.

I remember when my daddy died 4 1/2 years ago. My "diddy". It was very sudden, like blink your eyes and he was gone, sudden. We had no real warning. Of course my daddy went to the doctor whether he needed to or not every 20 years.

I remember people would ask me how old my daddy was when he died (83 years) and say stupid stuff like, "well at least he had a good long life." Don't say that. After a while, I was saying to myself, "well, at least he had a good long life." I was sharing with someone that my dad had passed away the month before and actually said to them, "well, at least he had a good long life." And they said...get this..."Yes, but he was your daddy." Exactly. It was at that point that I was able to cry uncontrollably and let God have my feelings.

When Vann and I were walking tonight we got to talking about my mom (who is in a nursing home) and his mom (who died from cancer at 49 years of age). Neither of those seem just. My mom is now being fed pureed food. ??????

Mom never wanted to live like this. At the same time to not feed her would be starving her. Such huge ethical issues. Mom used to tell me, "If I ever end up in a nursing home, please just make sure my hair is done." We tried, Mom, but you got to the point in your dementia that you threw the curlers out of your hair.

I know God is in control, but this isn't tidy and I don't like it. There. I've said it. I don't like it. That's o.k. God still loves me. I still love him. I don't have to like everything or understand anything at all.

Tonight I can just "be" with these thoughts and hand them over to my Father. Daddy God, I was just wondering... Can I climb in your lap?

Comforted,
Lila

5 comments:

Vann said...

Beautiful, thoughtful words. I love you. xoxo

not-so-deep Denise said...

Two thoughts:

1. Blessings to you and Cheryl. Your words made me tear up... I'm so happy our God is big enough to handle anything we give him.

2. I laughing told my (RN)brother to make sure my legs and underarms got shaved. I saw way too much of that while doing Home Health.

Allison Connor said...

I am sad to hear about Cheryl's daddy. I will be keeping her and her family in my prayers. Your words are so comforting and loving.

Sarah said...

I remember overhearing one woman talking about her grandmother who was injured: "She's only 93!!" That made me smile -- my grandmother is only 97, and we will never be fully ready to tell her good-bye. It doesn't matter the fullness of the years, it matters the depth of the loss. And parent-loss is deep. Thank you for reminding us.

Trish said...

I'm sorry to hear about your friend Cheryl's dad. Losing a parent is a difficult and incredibly saddening experience, whether it be quickly from cancer or heart issues, or slowly from dementia or other diseases. Thanks for being so open and honest about all that this has brought up for you. New grief taps into old grief. Peace to you (and Cheryl). Be kind to yourselves, and may you be surrounded by grace surprising and grace abundant.